I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
