Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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