Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
