Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
