He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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