im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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