Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
