My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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