I puked a lego.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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