ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
