we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
