why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Lo siento on account of my penis...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize