Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
