so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
