i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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