im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
