your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
