I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
