seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
