Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
