I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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