How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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