I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
