why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
