The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
