living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
