Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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