sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
