Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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