I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
