Don't make out with my wife yet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
