I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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