We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
