sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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