At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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