Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize