I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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