i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We left the knife in your bed.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
