If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
