So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
