That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
