my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
