the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
