Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
