Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
