when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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