I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
