Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
