you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
