if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
