Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
