i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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