I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Randomize
