So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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