Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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