So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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