we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
