so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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