Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
