She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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