he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
