Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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