sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
