I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
