with your own penis?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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