i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
