so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
