I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize