You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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