Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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