I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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