My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
