Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
